A Really Long Post

well not many people have posted today. thanks alyssa for lettin me know. so my day started of ok... feelin a bit better after a looong talk with jess last night. maybe it was short, but it felt long. and made me feel a ton better. even though we didnt actually talk bout anything. life is strange. the other day grant told me that he wants to kill herbert. like actually squish him. but i put that down to grant being his usual masochistic self. but then in roll call or whatever the fuck its called this year courtney so nicely informed me that she also wants herbert dead. and then she told me she hates me. herbert has a price on his head... ppl are out to get him. hes kinda like tupac now. minus the bullet holes and death. maybe im annoying people with herbert. if i am, then i am sorry. but talkin bout herbert means im not talkin bout myself. which is good. i might even go so far as to say that a part of me wants herbert dead too. i will even lift the punishment for killing herbert... just coz i can. and coz right now the only face i want to punch is my own... which would be difficult. i get the feeling im being a bit of a jerk. i really am sorry. even for posting depressing shit that nobody needs to know on here. but i think it helps me. so i just want you all to know that i have forgotten what i was going to say.
damn it.
that sucks.
i wonder how the mock trial went. actually, no i dont. i just need to talk. yesterday was a shit day. i was ready to do something stupid right up until jess started talkin to me. which helped. thanks jess. however today was also a shit day. but im feeling marginally better right now than i was yesterday. shallow people bring me down. grow some feelings. i feel like a fraud. how much of me is really me? and how much is the superficial persona i have built up over time? alyssa said she wants to learn drums! yay! hopefully she sticks at them longer than courtney. get it? sticks. i am so lame. this is going to be a really long post. i dont mean to waste anybodys time. what if i take back the mask that i hide behind and dont like who i am? i think im slipping back into old habits. my really old habits... the bad bad bad ones. i feel so lost. but i know where i am. this probably sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic, but maybe i am one. oh and humanity, please erase everything here from your mind once u reach the end. its just meaningless raving. not as in the disco variety. talkin to alyssa now. and i cant be stuffed elongating this post any further. over and out.