I Miss Reality

well im so effing confused im not even sure which way is forward. things started out awkwardly enough re courtney + alyssa. then stuff happened and at lunch they went off to fix things up and things only got worse. and then me and jess and patty are talking about how effed up our group has become and jess said she wished it was just us like it used to be and patty said yeah and i said yeah. then patty turns around and says full serious without josh. which confuses me incredibly because just yesterday i was asking jess if they even want me to be around them and she said yeah. but then on the other hand patty turns around and says no.... wtf? do i stay or do i go? basically patty jess alyssa and courtney are the single most important thing to me and i wish they would just be them again... and then decide whether they want me around or not.... i have no idea. oh and i caught my reflection in drama today and freaked out in my head. i have decided i look like a corpse im so skinny and gaunt. i hate myself sometimes. now is one of those times.